Finishing Things
This weekend, I posted a story on Instagram of a photo of a sink full of dishes—organized, with utensils in a cup of water, but undone. It was relatively unremarkable but typical of how it goes in my house. My wonderful husband Rob does some of the dishes, and then he simply moves others around, leaving them “to soak.” Or, he’ll do everything except for one dish.
I heard back from hundreds of people, some claiming to be Rob in the scenario, others who live with a Rob. And the question, of course, is…why? That’s mine at least: If you’re going to start the process, why not finish it? Isn’t it just a modicum more effort to do that final pan, or put those “soaking” forks in the dishwasher? For those who claimed to be offenders in this scenario they offered no excuse, just that they can’t finish the dishes.
Barry Michels is a therapist here in Los Angeles who works with many high-powered agents, screenwriters, and actors. Barry, a former lawyer, has been mentored by the legendary Phil Stutz, the subject of the new documentary on Netflix called Stutz, made by one of Stutz’s patients, Jonah Hill. As I watched the documentary and walked past the sink full of dishes several times on my way to get snacks, I was reminded of a workshop I went to many years ago with Barry. Most of the people in the audience that day were creatives—both thwarted and successful—and Barry asked the crowd how many of us…couldn’t finish washing the dishes. Hands shot up. This is apparently a real thing. In his experience, it is closely tied to not only avoidance, but a refusal to finish anything. There are many things more important to finish than pots and pans after all, like completing a book, a screenplay, a business plan. But in his experience, leaving dishes behind is part of a larger pattern that has significant implications for someone’s creative life.
Phil and Barry wrote a book called The Tools: 5 Tools to Help You Find Courage, Creativity, and Willpower—and Inspire You to Live Life in Forward Motion, which is an articulation of Phil’s genius point: Tools and practices that connect you to a higher, universal force, which allow you to address life the moment you feel stuck. While Phil is officially an M.D., he didn’t want to practice traditional psychiatry or psychotherapy. He didn’t want to leave his patients without the ability to make change immediately—and to do this, he needed to give direction, to get involved in a way that’s not standard for patient/doctor relationships. Thus, the tools.
When it comes to an unwillingness to finish things, Barry connected it to a fear of being judged, criticized, or rejected: It’s much easier to practice avoidance than to put yourself out there and risk failure. And the tool that Phil and Barry offer for this particular tendency is called REVERSAL OF DESIRE, where you move into life inviting pain. It is through the practice of pain—effectively doing things that you don’t want to do and experiencing the results—that you build momentum and put yourself in motion. Most importantly, Reversal of Desire takes us out of the comfort zone, where we practice complacency and watch our lives zip by without exercising our full potential and power. In their experience, the beauty of practicing this tool is not only a greater experience of creative unburdening, but the universe that can get behind you. Suddenly doors open and opportunities materialize—not always according to our preferences and stated goals, but often in magical ways.
According to Barry and Phil, when you think about something you don’t want to do—a potentially painful phone call, pages that need to be written—you tap into your desire to meet the pain. As they explain, “Your experience of pain changes relative to how we react to it. When you move toward it, pain shrinks. When you move away from it, pain grows. If you flee from it, pain pursues you like a monster in a dream. If you confront the monster, it goes away.” As you practice Reversal of Desire you will find the energy pulls you forward through the action. (There’s a whole chapter on Reversal of Desire, along with four other tools in their book.)
In the documentary, Phil offers another tool, which he calls STRING OF PEARLS. The idea is quite simple: “I’m the one who puts the next pearl on the string,” he explains, and each pearl has the same value. You’re not focusing on the effort, the reward, or “size” of the pearl, just on the simple act of taking action and stringing it together. In Phil’s opinion, this is the cycle of life, something we do over and over. It is what powers a fulfilling, productive, and creative life. As he explains to Jonah in the documentary, “True confidence is sitting in uncertainty and moving forward. The winner is the one who is willing to take the risk to work the cycle. All I have to worry about is forward motion and putting the next pearl on the string.”
Small, incremental, habit-building action is the secret according to Phil: After all, it doesn’t matter how much money, power, or prestige you’ve accumulated in your life, there is no exoneration from pain, uncertainty, and hard work. And the only antidote to this reality is putting pearls on the string—or in our house, and apparently houses all over the world, doing the dishes until they’re done.
(BTW, wouldn’t it be fun to be married to me?) Thanks, as always, for reading. Below is the diagram of REVERSAL OF DESIRE from The Tools.
